Expensive freedom

I closed my heart,
I hoped to die.
I never looked
Into her eyes.
I never felt
This way before,
I never opened
Closed door..

…and killed time.
I sold my hopes.
Got paid with pain,
I wanted more,
And I’m still getting
All my scars
When I just start
To think of us.

To be the strongest,
Truthful man –
It’s hard,
But this is who I am.
And this is what
I meant to be
If ever can
Give love for free.
But I can not,
My heart is closed.
It’s cold, it’s frozen.

All I can say,
I’ll say again:
It’s not a game.
I like my pain.
I like the way
I feel myself.
Don’t worry
Of my mental health.
Don’t judge me right
Just do me wrong,
I love and like
This kind of songs.
I share the same,
I feel it comes,
Dark matter is inside our souls.
Let’s keep it safe,
For both of us,
Hide our nature under masks,
Keep our feelings in the cell,
Without them we both feel well.
We both agree.
We make our turns.
We understand
How much it costs
And how expensive this can be
If one of us will set all feelings free.

3 thoughts on “Expensive freedom

  1. Anima

    I understand the problem.. maybe understood it already back then. So funny that you question the mental health of others who ARE aligned with their feelings, and overreact when they are faced with the wall you are slamming into our faces when we try to get close.

    It’s partially a typical male issue, eating emotions- and yes it is, or can be, expensive. Expensive if you risk exposure, and being vulnerable. There was no risk with me- I vent the potential for overreactions instantly, so I do not have to act on them.

    And being with you in a couple wasn’t necessarily my goal, either. Being around you was, though. Because I actually liked you, and appreciated quite a few facets of you. From the grandfather vibes/old soul to good taste coupled with using swearwords. It was lovely.

    What wasn’t lovely was you RUNNING, and that quasi instantly. I have spent the last few months diving into psychology, like I haven’t done it since my childhood. I needed to understand my reactions to you in detail, and try to understand you as well (given the limited exposure I had, and cultural differences).

    There was ONE thing you said that was substantial on this blog- disclaimer taken into account or not- and that had to do with “maybe I have emotions, but they are not at the surface”. Yes, you have. I spent half of that evening at the embassy processing my difficulties with the assortment of “upper class” criminals present, as well as my past in Austria. The other half I spent trying to “feel” into you.

    One thing you learn from the Asian grandmasters is to expand one’s sense of empathy, aka “extra sensory perception”- which btw is something ENFJs as “Feelers” are naturally good at. Training with a Chinese grandmaster exploded that skill.. so for a while I was super empath. Unfortunately, the brainfog due to autoimmune also blocks that a lot now. Bottomline: I can FEEL others, and it freaks them out.

    In your case there were emotions, and yes they need to rise from the level of subconscious, where they were banned to, to the surface. It is expensive because accepting them, dealing with them, takes years of intense focus. You are super smart, and fast, like me- so it is maybe 3-4 years until you can fully access everything, and become the truly balanced, loving man I see as potential in you.

    Ive met a lot of crooks in my time. Some of them don’t have 10 percent of your potential.. and IMHO a true man MUST have access to his feelings, be able to access them fluidly, and live them. Its a prerequisite for a real relationship, which I WISH you should have one day. It is also necessary for living happily with your soulmate.

    You have achieved so much given the restraints- but emotions are a different game, and they need as much focus as your financial goals. You won’t be able to avoid them, and I would like to meet you again someday when you really have the “male cat” quality manifested (I am synesthetic, and a feeler, so emotions have tastes, shapes and sounds for me). Real masculinity and love, but in an elegant, smooth way.

    Fuck the haters.


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